I'm so fucking centered right now
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
