eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
