Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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