I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize