I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Duck Duck Cougar?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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