My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
