just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
