Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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