Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize