If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
