Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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