I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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