True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
