I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
