There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
