Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i think im in europe. pls send help
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
