What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Found your dick twin last night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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