Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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