I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
