i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
