so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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