My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
