garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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