Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
