"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize