We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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