why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
