I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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