rhymes with "ouble enetration"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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