We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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