i wish my penis had a tongue
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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