it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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