I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
