so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
