Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
