I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
