now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
