my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't turn off my feet"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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