I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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