i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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