my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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