if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
