I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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