when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
