Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
