textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
