The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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