Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
