At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
