Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
