I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
