he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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