I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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