at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
