we're chasing vodka with high fives
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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