if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
