I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
