if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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