guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize