i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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