This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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