It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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