I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
