Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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