Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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