Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
