Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
