I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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