Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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