She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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